Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone
Welcome to another episode of our QuickBooks series. Today, we are going to have to look into the “Difficult Conversation”.
What is this “Difficult Conversation”?
Today we are gonna outline the overview of Douglas Stone’s well-known book “Difficult Conversation”. By the name itself, you can get an idea about what is inside this book.
This masterpiece has provided the methods and processes for handling challenging conversations in a manner that encourages understanding and effective problem-solving.
Three Types of Conversation
As mentioned in the book, each difficult conversation is accompanied by three other conversations. After evaluating hundreds of conversations, the authors came upon this concept. Noticeably, they also discovered that people can make tough conversations more fruitful if they can understand the structure of those conversations.
Let’s look into each of these 3 types of conversations.
Type 1 — The What Happened Conversation
These conversations relate to disagreements over what happened or what should have happened. This type of conversation can take many forms.
Few examples:
- Who said what
- Who did what
- Who’s right
- Who meant what
- Who’s responsible
The most important details that you need to understand in this text are the mistakes that people make when considering what happened. Common pitfalls include assuming their point of view is right and understanding the other party’s intentions.
As a person who is involved in a difficult conversation (just imagine yourself in a such moment), you should stay open-minded about each other’s objectives, judgments, and questions. You should respect one another’s feelings and consider the potential of your own complicated motives.
Differences in personality or role assumptions can contribute to creating a situation, so role reversal and adopting a disinterested perspective can help to create a thorough map of the contribution system.
Type 2 — The Feelings Conversation
Human beings are made up of emotions. All human behavior, whether it be an act of generosity or anger, is fueled by emotions. The conversations need to address emotions.
Every difficult conversation involves wondering whether their feelings are valid. Difficult conversations are difficult because there are feelings involved.
- Should you be upset/angry?
- Is it OK if the person you’re speaking with doesn’t recognize how you’re feeling?
- Do your words in the conversation offended the other person?
Expressing emotions is risky, and many people frame difficult conversations in ways that ignore their emotional content. The solution is for the parties to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate them, and share them clearly.
The first step in expressing feelings is to acknowledge that they are an important part of the circumstance and to convey the full range and complexity of their feelings. The parties must accept one another’s feelings for sharing to be fruitful.
Identify Your Emotional Footprint
It might be challenging to control our feelings and emotions during a difficult conversation. By recognizing the significance of both expressed and unexpressed emotions, the learning conversation may assist us in addressing our feelings.
To do this, we must evaluate our own feelings, assess the reasons behind our reactions, and consider how those around us reacted to how we handled difficult conversations when we were younger. In order to slow down our natural emotional responses, we must also consider how our perceptions and belief systems influence our emotions.
Share Your Emotions
The author of the book recommends sharing both the positive and negative feelings that brought up such challenging conversations. This includes asking the other person why they find the conversation important and explaining your feelings more deeply.
When explaining how the conversation makes you feel and the reasons behind those feelings, avoid using accusing exaggerations. Instead, assist the other person in comprehending your point of view and emotional response.
Type 3 — The Identity Conversation
Although you are not familiar with the term “identity conversation”, you probably had this type of conversation in your life.
The conversation we have with ourselves is the identity conversation. This conversation covers what this situation means to you.
We often second-guess ourselves when having challenging conversations. We evaluate our ability to project competence, kindness, and lovability. Our identity is being questioned throughout these conversations. We are worried about how these discussions will affect our sense of self and our identity.
Avoid Absolutes With Identity
Identities are never absolutes, and difficult conversations can make us question our identity.
For example, if you consider yourself as a loyal person, accepting an offer to work at a high-salaried competing firm could lead to you becoming confused about your identity. Instead, consider how you have been loyal in the past and still been grossly underpaid in your job, and how you would be prioritizing more loyalty to your family by providing for them through a better-paid job. This example highlights how identity is not all or nothing.
Mistakes are Inevitable
The book suggests that we should stop challenging others who question our self-identity and instead accept that our intentions are complex and that we have contributed to the problem.
The author encourages you to remind yourself that you cannot control another person’s actions and can only control how they react to the person’s actions.
Difficult conversations can threaten or challenge a person’s sense of identity. Managing the internal identity conversation requires learning which issues are most important to one’s identity and how to adapt one’s identity in healthy ways.
Tell the Third Story
When beginning a difficult conversation, it is important to start from an impartial observer’s perspective. This allows the conversation to start without judgment and to be framed like you are working together to find a solution.
The conversation should start by explaining to the other person how you want to understand their perspective better and emphasize that you want their help to make the outcome a productive one. Be open to their responses and listen to their responses, demonstrating that you understand what they are saying.
By this point, you have a basic idea of the three main types of conversations and how to handle them. All three conversational styles must be covered in every conversation.
The Learning Conversation
The uncomfortable interactions might be driven by egotistical motives. But by understanding the mistakes made throughout the three difficult conversations, you should be able to evaluate them from a new perspective and recognize the complexity of the perceptions and intents.
It’s important to have a learning conversation and understand that each person will bring a great deal of knowledge and viewpoints to the table in order to resolve the problems emerging from what happened conversation. Exploring these disparities productively should be the aim of these difficult conversations.
This book provides suggestions for having productive conversations. It advocates beginning with the viewpoint of a “third story” that neutrally depicts the divergences in the parties’ opinions. Being able to understand the other person and providing them the sense that they have been heard are both key components in handling tough talks.
Asking open-ended inquiries, requesting more specific information, exploring the three conversations, and allowing the other person to decline a response are all ways to demonstrate care and concern. Another strategy is to mimic the other person to make their points clear and ensure that they understand you.
When a person does walk away, they should explain why, describing their interests, feelings, and choices.
This book encourages readers to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and avoid assuming the other person has ill intentions. Also, it recommends that you should consider if the other person may be aware of facts that you are not yet aware of and that differences in opinions are frequently caused by disparities in the information that you have been exposed to.
Ultimately, it’s important to stop pointing the finger at others and take ownership of finding a solution as a team. Using this strategy will make it easier to understand.
Key Takeaways from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone…
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